Kingdom Hearts Sucks!
by Painted With a Palette
Summary: The title says it all.


Roxas tosses the controller at the wall, breaking it into two. "Fuck. This. Game!"

Sora, who passes by his brother's room munching on an apple, stops for a second after hearing his temperamental brother get into another hissy fit about how much he hates a certain video game. "Roxas, that's the fifth controller you've broken... today."

"Ugh, I can't help it, Sora! I just can't stand this game! Fuck this game, fuck this game, **fuck this game**!" He gets up and stomps on his game station, the steam blowing out from his ears, and his face redder than the devil's buttcheeks.

Sora nonchalantly takes another bite out of his apple, watching his brother toss the two-hundred dollar game station out the window. "Mom's gonna be pissed when she gets back."

"Whatever. I'm never touching any more video games after that nightmare anyway."

Sora chuckles. "And may I ask, what game is it we're talking about here?"

"Kingdom Hearts!" he yells as he literally rips some of his hair out. "This game can lick my sweaty ballsack after a day of running naked laps around the beach."

"Kingdom Hearts?" Sora repeats. "Dude, that's the game that _we're_ in. How can you hate a game that has us in it?"

"How?" Roxas crosses his arms. "What do you mean, _how_ _?_ It's a trainwreck, that's how! They portray our characters as basic, bland, and uninteresting. We all have a bunch of stupid haircuts. They can't tell a good joke to save their lives... oh my god, the _story-"_

"Well, I," Sora interrupts, "happened to really enjoy the game!"

"Of course you would. They make you look like a badass by making you single-handedly kill one thousand Heartless. Trust me, I _expect_ you to like the game."

Sora sticks his tongue out. "You're just mad because you had to fuse with me so that I could become whole, since, you know, I'm the hero and all." He smirks.

"Not at all, actually." Roxas takes a seat by his desk. "I'm mad because I had to fuse with you so that you could become whole and your character was _still_ a goofy attention-deficit shitbag cumslut who can't help but be a corny shonen anime character who is apparently a god at using a key to hit shit with after only using it for like a year. Seriously, they made it so that you were able to take out Hercules, someone with the strength of an actual _god_ , who trained to become a hero for years, **by yourself,** without any formal training besides just whacking people over the head."

"Um..." Sora trails. "Practice makes perfect?"

"Shut the hell up. It makes no sense and you know it."

"Hey, that was just a match you can play in the Coliseum, anyway. It's not even canon, it's just something to try out."

Roxas rolls his eyes. "Uh-huh. That's why there's a cutscene right after it."

"It's optional!"

"That's why they show that you won the trophy for completing that very same objective in the second game. Pretty sure that means it actually happened, whether you played it in the original or not."

"B-But I-"

"Face it, Sora. Your 'character' is a bumbling fool with little to no real personality to identify with. Kingdom Hearts. Is. Fan Fiction."

"Fan fiction?"

"Come on, Sora. Disney meets Final Fantasy? It has Fan fiction written all over it."

"But that's part of its charm!" Sora argues. "What makes the game so special is the way it's able to combine those two elements and make it plausible. When you take these characters, who would be angst-ridden teenagers with a dark, tragic backstory in any regular Final Fantasy game but twist it to have the element of that Disney magic, it makes it special."

"Suuuree, it does."

"You just don't have any imagination." Sora tosses his half-eaten apple at his brother's face.

"Ow!" He rubs the spot while offering a frown. "Give it a rest. Kingdom Hearts makes no sense. It's a crummy Fan fiction with a budget and corporate marketing backing it up. Sora, Riku, and Kairi? More like bland OC number one, wannabe badass dark guy OC number two, and forgettable damsel in distress number three. And it's poorly written. And I'm not even talking about the plot itself (oh ho we shall get to that later). I'm talking about the dialogue itself is atrocious."

"Oh, get real."

"It's true! Some of the dialogue may be memorable, but it's just plain bad at some points. And you can't go a single game without the words heart light dark light heart light heart dark dark light darkness of my heartless card heart being said fifty thousand times!"

Sora scoffs. "Well, HEART is in the title of the game, so it shouldn't be as much of a surprise."

"Oh, so I'm supposed to just be okay that the writers of this game just don't have any talent whatsoever?"

"Aw come on, name one instance where the dialogue is so terrible that-"

Xion: Kind of weird that we can feel anything at all. Without having hearts to feel with.

"Oh, academy awards, here we come," Roxas drones.

"How the hell is that bad dialogue?"

"First of all, it doesn't make any sense. How can you feel anything at all when you don't have a heart? How did Xion not put two and two together right when she said that? Is she that stupid? That's like if I said, 'I wonder how I can write an intellectually concise thesis and educational report on the detached organs from an extraterrestrial being when I don't have a brain'. Second of all, it's supposed to be one sentence, but they format it as being two. Third, if it weren't for the really good voice acting, this stuff they say would sound horrible. And OH MY GOD these writers need to get a sense of humor!"

"What? The game can be funny at some points!"

"Oh come on, Sora. Maybe your goofy ass can handle the cringeworthy forced jokes they try to pull on us, but I can't take it. The game takes itself a bit too seriously and when they do try to make a joke, it's pathetic."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sora crosses his arms with a huff.

Pumbaa: You sure they're not gonna eat me, like I'm so kind of pig?

Sora: No but... you ARE a pig, aren't you?

Pumbaa: Call me Mr. Pig!

*everyone laughs*

"Shut up you weird, demonic talking animals! It's not funny!" Roxas stomps. "That's a joke I'd expect to be on Dora the Explorer."

"Okay, _one joke,_ but that doesn't mean-"

Hayner: Don't say that! You'll give me an ulcer...

Pence: Not before you explode from all that ice cream first! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Goofy: Jack and Sora are kinda alike, don'tcha think?

Sora and Jack: Are not!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!

*Genie mistaking Pete for Aladdin, making Genie either blind or mentally impaired*

BWAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAA!

*Donald busts into Belle's room*

Donald: Hey! Who opened the door!

Belle: Oh, I'm so happy you're here!

*Belle picks him up and practically hugs the life out of the poor duck*

Belle: Donald...Sora, Goofy!

Sora: Hey there.

Donald: Put me down! Put me down!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! **HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

"I think my character, Roxas, said it best."

Roxas: Is that... is that supposed to be a joke? 'Cause I'm not laughing!

"Seriously, _I_ could write better jokes than that!"

Sora sighs. "Roxas, it's an adventure game, not a comedy."

"Oh, please. Their terrible sense of humor is part of the reason why the characters are so bland. I already did my two cents on you, Sora, who is the mascot boy for bland. Don't even get me started on Riku."

"You rang?" Riku says with a smirk, entering the room with a half-eaten banana.

"Roxas thinks Kingdom Hearts sucks," Sora informs.

"What?!" Riku tosses his empty banana peel at Roxas. "Kingdom Hearts is awesome! I love that shit."

As he begrudgingly tosses the banana peel into the same trash can where Sora's half-eaten apple lies, Roxas regains his composure. "Kingdom Hearts is stupid. It makes no sense. And it's just a marketed Fan fiction. Deal with it."

"Hmph. At least my character is awesome." He shrugs.

"Yes, so awesome. Other than the fact that he's a copy and paste of every other rival to the main character but still somehow best friends even after all the terrible shit he did anime trope. But besides that, top notch."

"Sora, do you hear that?" Riku asks.

"Hear what, Riku?"

"It's like a buttered toast is full of all that JELLY!"

Roxas face palms. "We need to write better jokes too..."

"You're just jealous because I'm the sexiest, the strongest, most badass character in the whole game."

"That's why my character beat your ass so bad that you had to give in to the darkness just to stop me."

"Hey... shut up."

"Face it, dude, you're just an unoriginal, anti-hero wannabe 'badass' who for some reason totally dicked his best friend around for the entirety of the first game and then comes back to the good side but gets to keep his dark powers. That's just a straight up jedi ripoff."

Riku sends Roxas a dark glare.

Sora feels the tension begin to brew. "Okay, he kinda has a point there -"

"Be quiet," Riku deadpans.

"And have you two noticed how the games make you two look like the heartthrob fantasies of every girl ever?" Roxas continues, smugly crossing his arms. "With your long, flowy silver hair and dreamy green eyes and your cutesy cute 'nice guy with confidence' persona combined with the fact that you two are just _effortlessly_ awesome at using your Keyblades?"

"Technically, Birth By Sleep clarifies why we're so awesome," Sora says.

"Oh yeah, THAT'S what makes it all make sense." Roxas rolls his eyes. "And what's even the POINT of all the Disney worlds? It's not like they serve any actual purpose to the plot, they're just sorta... _there._ Why is it that I'm always itching to get to more of the original story while trying to plow through all these pointless Disney worlds? Why can't they be more relevant?! And how come Sora is automatically better than every Disney character to the point of basically taking their place as the main character of their own respective film?"

"Because I'm the main character," Sora says, as if it's obvious. "DURRR!"

"But it's pointless! We barely ever see the main bad guys show up in those Disney worlds. What was Ansem, the Seeker of Darkness's plan in the first KH again?"

Sora and Riku both open their mouths but stop, failing to come up with an answer.

"To..." Riku begins. "Uh... rule the world? Or something?"

"Wooow," Roxas mocks. "Never heard of an evil plan _THAT_ original before."

"It's a kids game man, lighten up," Riku says.

"Oh, really? Which is why Critical Mode, secret boss battles like the Lingering Will, the data Organization battles, the Unknown, the Mysterious, the Mirage Arena are just walks in the park, right?"

"Well, uh -"

"And then the marketing and business behind the games! WTF! Do you know how confused I was when I went into KH2 for the first time and saw that fucking intro? You're telling me that if Re: CoM was never made, I would have had to buy the freaking Gameboy Advance to understand why ORGANIZATION 13 WASN'T BEING CALLED ORGANIZATION 6 BY THE START OF THE GAME?! And as if the plot isn't convoluted enough, I have to invest a shit ton of cash into like four hundred different gaming systems just to understand what the hell is going on in the freaking story!"

"OR, you could just watch a playthrough of the games you don't have online," Sora says.

"Wow. Because that's so fun."

"You have issues, dude," Riku jests.

"And Atlantica is the most -"

"Oh, no, yeah. We totally agree with you there," Sora cuts off. "Atlantica blows."

"My point is, Kingdom Hearts is just a mess. It's dumb, it has a dumb marketing team, it has dumb dialogue, it has a dumb, overly saturated plot, it has dumb characters, dumb jokes, dumb haircuts and shoe sizes, dumb outfits, dumb anime tropes, dumb cliches, dumb light heartless darkness heart 2.3832 44 Days over 18 nightmares titles. IT. IS. JUST. DUMB. And if you just accept that in your heart, you'll be better off."

"You're wrong!" Sora yells. "I know now, without a doubt, Kingdom Hearts... is light!"

...

"And you're point is...?" Roxas asks.

"Oh, sorry. Force of habit. But you're wrong! Kingdom Hearts is more than that and you know it! Yes, Kingdom Hearts may not have the best marketing, yes, Kingdom Hearts has some cringeworthy lines of dialogue, yes, some of it doesn't really make any sense and yes, it's basically a big fan fiction with a budget but you're missing the point of it! Kingdom Hearts isn't supposed to be some genius, groundbreaking story with emotionally depth and complex characters. It's just supposed to be... fun."

"Fun?" Roxas raises an eyebrow.

"Kingdom Hearts, has HEART. I look at other games and all I see is meaningless violence, but Kingdom Hearts is different. There's a REASON why it has one of the nicest, most charming fanbases out there. It's not just about beating the bad guy, it's about escaping from reality for a moment to just have fun in the whimsical, nonsensical world that its created! There's really not much else like it. How did you feel the first time you beat the first game? You probably felt this bittersweet sadness, yet the ending was so endearing you couldn't help but be at ease."

Roxas crosses his arms. Well, he was right about that one.

"It's not about convoluted and 'deep' character development, or entirely original concepts for characters, it's not about being heavily dramatic or promote some big, philosophical war waging inside us against our morals, it's just about having fun. It's about being a kid again, travelling to all of these different Disney worlds and meeting these classic characters, making friends along the way, and going on exciting adventures. Yes, it has its flaws, but what doesn't? Kingdom Hearts is world full of heart, imagination, and fun, that still knows how to invest their audience emotionally when they need to.

"I mean, have we all forgotten how we felt when we first reached the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2 when I finally got to come back home to Destiny Islands? YOU, when you were holding Xion in your arms as one of the only friends you ever had faded away from existence AND your memory, when Axel faded away knowing that he didn't have a heart but knowing that you made him feel like he had one, when you looked up to me in the pod and knew that your summer vacation was over, when Aqua was left all alone in the realm of darkness after sacrificing herself to save her friends, after just learning that her master was killed and that her friend is basically in a coma? You're telling me you didn't feel anything from that?

"That's why Kingdom Hearts is light. That's why, even with its flaws and setbacks, the fandom stays true and loyal, always coming back game after game. Because each and every game is made with love."

Roxas rubs his chin, mulling deeply over Sora's words. Riku does the same, as they both try to come up with something to respond.

But Roxas only glares. "No. Kingdom Hearts just sucks."

Sora shrugs. "Fair enough."

* * *

 **Now before you shoot me, keep in mind this is just a parody! I LOOOOVVE Kingdom Hearts, it's my favorite franchise ever, but I do think it has a lot of problems. But I love it so much anyway, which is why I have Sora defend it at the end there.**

 **Idk, I just felt like writing something like this. Was inspired by an article I read on how Kingdom Hearts is just fan fiction with a budget, and I think that's true to a certain degree. I mean, Sora is basically every OC in this fandom, I mean come on. And yet, I still love him!**

 **So whatever, just something dumb I felt like writing when I was bored a few days ago. Leave a review and tell me how much you hate me!**


End file.
